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House Visit

I was sitting in front of the Doctor and he was doodling. Can you believe that?

I have been seeing him for a couple of weeks. I had a minor condition that is probably not life threatening, but made me mighty uncomfortable and it was getting worse.

"So Doc, any new drugs you willing to try out on this thing?"

"Huh huh, just a minute."

I knew he was buying time. He could just refer me to another hospital, but I could see his love of money right through his wrist-watch and the little gold pen he was doodling with. This guy was doodling my life away! What sort of doctors do they cook up in the schools nowadays. In my day, it used to be they were more concerned about life. Nowadays all they can think of is riding a BMW and clubbing at night. I made up my mind to go find me some quality treatment somewhere else, but I was gonna put the fear of God into him before I leave.

"So  Doc, do you ever think about death?"

"Huh huh", some more doodling.

"So?"

"Huh. Well, now and then"

"Ever think about how you wanna leave when the time comes?"

"Peacefully I guess."

The guy ain't even sure how he wanna die.

"Probably lying old in your bed right?"

"Something like that ..."

"That's mighty find Doc. Mighty fine"

"But I've known a lot of folks in my time who had the same idea. But it didn't work out that way for most of them."

"There was Old baby face for example. now he didn't die peacefully, no sir. By the time the boys were finished with him, he was begging for a bullet in the head."

"That's nasty. What did he do?"

What sort of word's that. Nasty. I tell him a feller was going to his grave screaming and yelling, and all the little runt could say is nasty. Even my niece's got a better vocabulary than that.

The guy continued doodling, and he was starting to really piss me off. Really ruffle my feathers.

"Then there was Short Joe. Had all these notions about lying fragile on his death bed surrounded by his offspring to the 3rd generation while he took his last breath."

"Huh, ... I take it he didn't fare too well either?"

Guess I was getting his attention.

"You got that right Doc. I won't go into details, but if you had seen him before he was buried, you couldn't have told him apart from a side of beef. He was so bad, they left his casket closed during the entire burial shindig."

He was going white around the gills. Chops is probably a better word. Back in the days, people were fit into their old age. Old pa Mahoney was known to play football once in a while even when he was in his 70s. This guy is less than 30 and he's already got a double-chin? If I try hard enough, I could probably give the guy a heart attack - courtesy of the fat and cholesterol in his arteries.

"You are probably wondering where I am going with this Doc?"

"Huh huh ... may be"

I can see him thinking, well it's your money pardner, so I will let you have your slot of time. It's my money alright and so, here is where I really get nasty.

"You see, in my family, we don't take it easy on anyone who hurt any of us, whether intentionally or by mistake."

"If I fie in your hands or get into some impossible situation, you will get a visit from my two bros. And I haven't seen the soul who wants them visiting his shop, not to talk of coming round for a house visit.

.

.

.

Then there is my pa, now that's a man you don't wanna mess with. No sir! If he gets his paws on you, it's straight to heaven with ya! Straight to heaven and no kidding."

Then there is Triple-C - Crazy Cousin Cane ....

The sweat was noticeably pouring down the side of his face and he had the A/C o full blast. I ain't sure how many assisted suicide the guy must have caused with that A/C of his - freezing poor folks to death and all.

"Now so, do you feel up to writing that referral letter. Make it tidy and neat. And better make it sound urgent cos if I happened to be delayed and something were to happen to me, you'll get a visit from my whole family. And the last time that happened, why, 80 acres of farmland got razed to the ground, along with the houses, cattle and sheep on them!"

So git to and make it mighty fine, mighty fine I say!

As I left:

"I don't expect I'll be seeing you again soon lad."

"Huh huh"

"So you take care cos I'll be watching you."

"Huh huh"

 - - - - - - - - 

I assume he was crapping his pants 'cos I was catching a whiff of something as I let myself out and it smelled nothing like my mama's cooking.

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October 2004

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